Why Pats on the Back Don’t Cut It

There are two phrases I’ve never liked: “well done” and “I’m proud of you.”

On the surface, they sound kind. Supportive, even. But when you really think about it, they don’t land the way they’re meant to. “Well done” feels like a pat on the head. “I’m proud of you”? Unless you’re my mum, please don’t.

Both come with a whiff of hierarchy. One person sitting above the other, handing out approval. Like a teacher marking homework. Like a parent congratulating their kid. And when you’re on the receiving end, it doesn’t feel like genuine recognition - it feels like being graded.

Here’s the thing: people don’t want vague praise. They want to feel seen. They want to know what specifically they did that mattered, what impact it had, and why it was valuable.

That’s what recognition is supposed to do.

When it’s reduced to “well done”, it loses its power. It becomes a filler phrase - a way to tick the box of giving feedback without actually paying attention. And the truth is, most people can tell when praise is lazy.

Recognition that actually lands

Recognition doesn’t have to be long-winded or dramatic. It just has to be real.

For me, it comes down to three simple rules:

1. Be specific - Call out the behaviour, not just the outcome.

2. Be equal - Recognition works best eye-to-eye, not top-down.

3. Be impactful - Connect it to the difference it made.

Instead of “well done”:

“You kept everyone calm when things could have unravelled - that changed the outcome for the whole team.”

Instead of “I’m proud of you”:

“Speaking up took real courage, and it shifted the way we looked at the problem.”

See the difference? Suddenly, it’s not just noise - it’s fuel.

Why it matters more than ever

We’re living in a time where trust is fragile, expectations are high, and people are stretched thin. In work, at home, in life - it’s all the same. Empty words don’t carry people through. Recognition with substance does.

Gallup found that employees who don’t feel recognised are twice as likely to quit within a year. Deloitte found that cultures of recognition see 31% lower turnover. Harvard Business Review shows that specific recognition increases performance far more than general praise.

So this isn’t just about “being nice.” Recognition is one of the cheapest, most powerful levers we have for motivation, connection, and growth.

A small challenge

So here’s my challenge - for myself as much as anyone else.

Next time you feel the words “well done” or “I’m proud of you” about to roll off your tongue, stop. Ask yourself: what actually mattered here? What was brave, or bold, or brilliant? Then say that.

Because people don’t need a pat on the head. They need to know their impact. And the leaders, friends, and partners who can give them that? They’re the ones people will remember.